Gone
by vaksurik
Summary: Natasha has went on a non-mandatory, six-year mission, leaving Clint behind. She never realized how much she would miss him, and how much she would regretted her actions and the words left unsaid. Clint/Natasha


_**Clintasha one shot in Natasha's point of view. **_

It's been awhile since I've seen you. Six years and four months, to be exact.

The last memory I remember of us together was when we were in the planes station at a SHIELD base. I was going on a six-year mission to chase down a gang of terrorists. The job was not mandatory, and you knew this.

I remember my heart breaking at the sight of you pleading me not to go, to stay with you, where we could be together. You wanted us to be together, yet you didn't tell me. But, I knew you wanted that. I wanted it too.

The first day of the mission and I was already missing you. It felt weird not having you around. I was hoping you'd contact me, but you didn't. You didn't call, you didn't email, you didn't do anything. Why didn't you talk to me? Were you afraid I was going to be the lonely _Black Widow_ again? You changed me, I'm never going to be that woman again.

The seventh day of the mission came by too soon, and I hoped that the six-years I'm using to hunt criminals would come by soon, and I'd see you again. But I was wrong. Every day without seeing your smirk or hearing your voice made me want to break down my barriers of emotionlessness and professionalism and... cry.

December 31st came by on the fifth year of the mission. I was chasing a German suicide bomber through the crowded streets of Ukraine. Usually, I was a good runner; never out of breath, always quick. But I didn't know what happened this time. I was losing my breath that I had to stop running.

When I stopped, I looked at my watch and saw that it was 30 seconds until the New Year. There were many people with their lovers, watching the sky in search for hints of fireworks. Everyone there looked so happy, why couldn't I be happy?

And then, 30 seconds later, it was January 1. I saw a pair of lovers kiss, as the other people cheered and kissed the people they loved as well. I envied them. I wanted you here with me. I wanted to be back in New York and watch the fireworks from afar with you.

But you weren't there.

Each day was long and painstaking without you. I thought I would be okay. I was trained to kill. I was an assassin. A master killer. Murder was an art. I have had missions that were longer than this, but I do not remember feeling bitter over someone during those missions. And the sad part? You never bothered to contact me.

I have been told that love was something beautiful. My whole life, I believed it as a lie. During those six years, I discovered that I was right.

I returned to SHIELD in April a year after the mission. I was so happy to see you again! Never, never in my life have I ever been this happy. The smile on my face during the plane ride back to New York was unable to be worn off, and my co-pilot had to ask if I was alright.

The smile vanished when Director Fury was told to give me the news about you. I felt like crying. Tears were streaming down my face, and I did taste saltiness in my mouth, but I was not crying. I was not crying. _I was not crying._

The day after, I took a day off and slept in. I was mad at myself for going on the mission that wasn't even mandatory. I was mad at myself for leaving you. If only there was more time for us and less for that damned mission, you would have been fine. You would have been fine if I was there. But you weren't fine.

I always knew that you could look out for yourself. And you do look out for yourself. But there are times when you don't, and although I never said it, it worries me to no end. Dammit, Clint.

If only I was there. But, I wasn't. And I can't turn back time. The six year wait is already over, yet there is another wait that is so much longer. There is nothing left of you but your ghost.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me. Love is for children, right? You saved my life a few times and I saved yours.

Yet here I am, standing in front of your grave.


End file.
